Professional Bimbo

You know, there are days when you wake up and you feel uncertain of your day. What are you going to do? Is the day going to be screwed up? What if the plans didn't work out? What if I am stranded? And these uncertainties will grow in you turning you into an insecured monster. Today, at this very naked moment, I feel that this day is such day.

I was watching Discovery Channel the other day and mother cheetah went to hunt for food for her youngs. When she returned to her nest to feed her youngs, she came home to her dead babies attacked by lions. It was definitely a sad moment. And that is nature. Yeah, nature will take it's course eventually.

... for my rabbits... Yeah, nature finally took it course and took them away from me. But nature was not entirely cruel and left me a baby. Who is currently being locked up in a hamster's cage since it's always jumping out from it's own spacious cage. Everybody is concerned cause they know how much my children meant to me. 6 years. And I had to bid my farewell...

I don't know what I am feeling. I feel sorry for her... Sad for myself... I think I injured a kitten this morning. I fear dead animals.

I am 28 and I am stuck in a fucking rut.

It's how funny how I ended up in BP. I am such a Mobil person. I have this tyre puncture and no one to call. And came these lovely angels coming down from the sky to help me. To dry the tears. And put back a smile on your face. This somehow reminded me of myself years back when I had to run so many errands within one day cause there is nobody close around to help me. I told myself it's fucking hiliarious to be a single in this city. That is what I felt like today.

Am looking at my 2004 sketchbook right now. Kicked off the sketcbook with a hospital bill. "Wowwie. What a way to start a new sketch book! Notice I was in the hospital because of that. DIVISION ADHESION CONJUNCTIVA. Classic example of how hilarious a single girl in a city could be" My first namecard. First permanent job. "My first perm job. Didn't even last for 4 months! Classic example of a screwed up organisation & office politics! Eeyuck!" My first parking saman receipt @ RM70 in Bangsar. "Wow, am such an adult now. Not only I have a car, I've a saman too =)" A bedsheet receipt from Ausino. "Fell in love with this bedsheet. Billed it to Mr. Chew-Proforma =)" Halter top receipt from Bodyglove. "Dunno where is the gloves receipt. Omilord - I've finally determined to return to the driving range!" Dinner receipt with Shaun. "One phrase. "Silly girl, go back to sleep." One pout =(" 3 movie tickets stubs

Things have been taking quite a few turns lately. Something career related. Something family oriented. Something personal. While I was driving home and composing this blog in my head, I find myself so unfocused. I find myself saying "Tutu, you take pride in your capability of putting others in front of you. Why are you doing this to hurt people?" I find myself saying "Tutu, you take pride in your simplicity. That is why you are being adored." And that somehow reminded me of Gary. Gary, love is simple. My colleague said something to me today. She said, "I've never met somebody as beautiful as you. The kindness and the chirpiness." I am hearing another friend telling me, "You just need to find someone who is able to hold your interest, isn't it?" I am hearing my boss telling me, "Never let your work to be jaded. Be excited everytime." And today while I was composing an email to rectify an issue, I find myself so jaded. I come home

It has been quite some time already that I don't have that feeling inside me. Though there is no doubt, it's all wrong. A bird said something to me that directly hit on the spot. Hole-In-One. I am not confused. I am just contradicting. Or was it. Anyway, the bird said, the heart says yes and the head is screaming no. So I have a conflict to follow the heart or the head. Hummm.... seriously, it sounded so much nicer in the email hahaha... cacat. ++edit++ The original email... "You’re not confused. You’re conflicted. The head says no. The heart says yes. Now, to listen to the head or the heart? You know the head is always right. But can you ignore your heart and follow your head?" ++edit++ Anyway... Am trying to keep things in control. Trying. Because the heart is weak. And the head is not strong enough.